Sunday, February 8, 2015


Thats the number of months I've been pregnant for. It has an "about time now I'm tired" feel to it. It is an adventure of finding out all the nooks that can pain. Gym has got nothing on it.
So many things people tell you and so many more that they don't. Current advice being keep moving and walking and walking do you walk its good to walk. I could walk to the other end of them if i could.
Do you know your pelvis is shifting and softening in anticipation and it aches and you can't place a finger on it exactly where is that pain coming from. 
I think twice thrice and double that time if i got to leave the bed. Who is at the door, do I really need to pee, can I not eat, why doesn't everything just fuck off. 
Nights bring their own horrors of dreams, contradictions of wanting to be left alone but also to be held. Exhaustion but no sleep. Weeping and sobbing cuz which side to lie on. 
Few more weeks and finally I can get rid if this wrist ache that has ensured I can't hold a pen for the last 6 months. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

An autobiography [of a dust bin]

So i dreamt someone was yanking at my jaws, trying to dislodge it and i had just fallen asleep is this what nightmares are made up of.

Or better still, i was peacefully asleep in my safe corner when someone yanked at my jaw, almost dislodging it and me from my corner only for me to break in cold sweat and wake up to realise it is still dark outside and no one is really yanking at my jaws. Phew, nightmares.

I really don't mind someone gently nudging my jaws open. Its one of the most important exercises of my day. Jaw open. Jaw close. Jaw open. Like slowing chewing a bubble gum noisily.

But some of those days when you pour all your non-segregated, broken glasses, stale food from a month ago filth i want to leave you. Why is it so difficult for you to see that there is no paper lined and you won't give me a shower anytime soon.

I don't ask much from you, do i. Keep my corner fragranced and i am happy.

[brought to you by the below tweet]

Monday, April 1, 2013

She never knew

She woke up looking like a crumbling statue, from a forgotten ruin of a long lost past. The askew sheets told a story of restless night spent tossing and turning between the sheets. She tasted bile in her throat, reminding her vaguely of waking up in the middle of the night to throw up the little food she had eaten from the take away she had bought along when returning from work. When was it. Yesterday? How long in the past was this yesterday? She fumbled to find her glasses from the table besides her bed. She squinted at the wall to see what time was it. She stared it for what seemed like an eternity waiting for clock’s hands to move only to realise they weren't moving at all. She kept her cellphone away from her in an attempt to force herself to wake up the first time the alarm on the phone went off. It was yet to work. The alarm would go off, automatically snooze for another 15 minutes to again ring and again snooze. She didn't know why did she still keep doing this. Maybe one day i will not curl up and go back to sleep when the alarm rings.
She got up from the bed to get the phone. She couldn't remember the date. Or day. The year eluded her for a minute. The old calendar on the wall hasn't seen a fresh page for months. The cellphone’s screen said it was a Saturday. Well, i don't need to get out of bed and drag myself to work today at least. That was a relief. She could feel a headache building up just behind her eyes. It has become a constant companion. Perhaps i should get my eyes tested. I might be losing my vision. She made a mental note to go see the optometrist soon.
There was no sun light in her room. Her tiny apartment faced another building that had other similar tiny apartments. The curtains filtered just enough daylight to let you know it wasn't night time.
Her days have been merging into one another, days into nights into days. Day after day. She hardly had met her friends after the last birthday party they had thrown for her. She couldn't muster up the courage to pick up the phone and call anyone. Talk to them, tell them she missed them. She felt she would be imposing herself on them. She never knew why.
She put on tea to boil, got her toothbrush & stared outside the window. It was a dull grey day. Humid. The stillness of summer heavy in the air. The sun was bright but it couldn't reach inside her and evaporate that greyness. Sipping her tea, flicking through the television, not seeing, she spent her morning hunched on her bed with a book besides her. Her mind and soul restless, fidgetting to get out there.
Somewhere. Away. She dreamed of packing her bags and getting on a long distance train. Get a window seat, peer out, wind in her hair. That made her smile sadly. Why don't i have the courage to do this. She didn't know why.