...Life and then next

Death is inevitable & known
But it comes as surprise
to even the most hardened hearts.

The first death I encountered was in the 4th grade. A classmate had met with an accident. I didn't know how to feel about it. I still don't know. Didn't know when my dad's step mom died a few years back. Or when I saw bodies lying on the railway track after the Bombay local train bomb blasts 5yrs ago.

To share somebody's smiles is easier but how does one react to knowing that a person is not going to be around anymore. The numbness, cold that creeps into your very being.

I am shy to shed tears. Awkward to console somebody on their loss. Some will wail, some sit quiet...lost in thoughts. Death brings us back to reality, the futility of things.

While the mind is restless and tired

I would be a paradox personified
Or a simile if you may
The mirror gives a different view
It is hard to see yourself as you are.

I would be confused
But so are you or maybe not
Ways of the world are mythical and confounding
Who are they, do they know?

I lurk in my thoughts
They lurk to know what is to know
I sit in the crowd
The crowd sits alone.

Life and Life is part of the search
The search has not yet found its path
I close my eyes, falling in the brightening dark
The colours spreading through the prism He holds
We have faith, wavering and steadfast

Selfless are they who believe so.

Chand sawaal

Woh kehta hai maloom nahi tumhe kya chahti ho tum,
Gar jaana hi hota toh mein iss jahaan ki na na-hoti?
Kehta ye bhi hai woh ke maloom nahi usse chahiye aakhir kya,
Gar jaana hi hota tuney bhi, farishta na na-hota tu?

Ishq hota kya hai, ye bayaan kabhi suna nahi,
Par kyun na main apne lafzoon mein dhaalun usse?
Darbadar naa ghumi main, na hi hui main rusva kabhi,
Kya tab manogey tum, jab ashq aakhon se bahaungi main?

Tere lafz nahi suney hai maine, suni hai sirf aawaz teri,
Tu kehta kuch aur hai, main sunti kuch aur hun,
Le jaa tu rooh meri, jaatey jaatey,
Main yahi hu teri tasveer dekhte.

Train wrech or worse

Some (or actually almost all) the poems(?) that i have written before i started this blog. Since having only facebook friends suffer wasn't enough, i thought of sharing them here too. Yay, be tortured.

=====================================
(November 2010)

As the shadows of sadness
come creeping by
I wish I could hide you in me
Let them get me, crumble me
Let them twist my arm
I shall surrender to the ghosts of fear
I will smile as they burn my soul
I will die in bliss with the thought
That you are safe
That my love won at last
That I had you

===============================

(November 2010)

Struggling, clinging
to the tiniest hope
Trying to breath.
Comatosed.
There's deepening darkness, suffocating, killing
Bleeding to death.
Happy thoughts fail to conjure.
The curtains are falling on the stage of life.
Premature end of the drama queen.
The mask has washed away, ugliness
Revealed shame
Left alone scared of own wishes
Drifting away.

============================

(September 2010)

there are days
that make you want to love
and hug
and smile to everyone
to be the colourful rainbow
...and the bird chirping around
all the pain and sadness cleared like the morning fog
the sun shining and benevolent
like a mother looking at you

there are days when everyone seems nice
all the worries dried and crackling and buried
you want to jump and laugh
and swing around and twirl
the mornings are bright
the nights better

those are the days
i await them so long
to see your face,
hear you laugh
to see the twinkle in your eyes
the mischievous smile
the scent in the air

===========================

(May 2010)

My heart keeps wanting to pop out
Claustrophobic in there
My thoughts want to spill out
No more room in there
They want to show, cry out loud
All that matters to me is you
All this love is only for you

======================

(September 2009)

the darkness around
deepens.
grope around
try to get hold.
some hope that will help me
to move out from here.
the colours of the world
seem to have dulled
faded
washed away.
the voices sound so dim
lost all their charm.
senses diminished
numbed.
look around
find an opening
lose all this and go
ahead.
move.
wish for all this to end.
say the final farewell.

it all began that day
you left me.

=============================

(September 2009)

the words you wrote to me last
still linger on my lips
i repeat them again and again
to relive the time we spend together

i thought i have forgotten you
but know its a lie
can't make myself believe in it
make my heart understand

you have gone away
far away from me
i survive on your memories
revisiting you in my dreams

my heart bleeds, my eyes cry
tears rolling down my cheek
i pray for this misery to end

===========================

(July 2009)

I am trying to make sense
From the chaos that reigns around
I am trying to be lost
More lost than already em
'Float with time, go along with the flow'
Someone advices me
Oh teach me how do i do that!
Teach me back to smile.

All round me people seem to be busy
All walk with purpose in their stride
Let me have my aim back
To try to make you see my love
Let me be purposeful and busy

I may not be the best choice
I may not be good enough
Let me change for you
Let me strive to make you know i could do anything for you

============================

(May 2009 )

You had it your way, you have won.
let me be broken with no where to go.
i dont want sympathy, i crave for you
come back to me, be by my side
let me shower my love on you
let me cry.

dont you hear my heart pounding
when i see you with someone else
its shattered to pieces, piercing my soul
its bleeding in me, killing me
you had it your way, you have won.
let me be broken with no where to go.

you say you never loved me
you say you never cared
what to do i make of the times we spent together
you say you found your love and i just despair
you had it your way, you have won.
let me be broken with no where to go.

I see you happy in someones arm
and I don't know what to do
to kill myself, to hurt myself, to cry till the end of the world
i dont grudge your happiness but i am still hurt.
you had it your way, you have won.

============================

(May 2009)

I am out of breathe thinking about you
high on emotions
why cant i just get over you
drown myself, shall i?

keep thinking about you, day and night
why cant i just be lost in the darkness of my heart
hurt myself, shall i?

em trying to leave those memories behind
why cant i stop seeing ur face in everything around
blind myself, shall i?

i cry and cry till there are tears no more
and still u stare back at me
smiling and happy in the arms of some one else
i cant take it anymore

============================

(May 2009)

staring into the empty space
i see your face in front of my eyes
why did you have to leave me and go
so far away, so far away.

trying to live alone
trying to forget all the love i have
trying to understand what did i do wrong to lose you, to hurt you and let you be gone
so far away, so far away.

am not complaining nor am bitter
have all those happy memories deep within me safe
of the time we had spend together
so far away, so far away (back in time).

wondering how could i let you go
wondering what did i do for this to happen
wondering if i should hav tried harder to hold you back before you were gone
so far away, so far away.

its not late to forgive and forget
thought will the heart be ever mended from all the hurt it felt
am gonna pass this way into eternity waiting for you to come back to me someday from afar that is
so far away, so far away.

===========================

(May 2009)

the sun is bright
birds chirping around
its spring in full swing
then why is there so much gloom
in here, within me.

i yearn for you
crave within
wait for just a glance
do i ask a lot
if its only love that i want

will i ever see the joy
of someone close by
will this heart ever
stop to bleed

=========================

(April 2009)

em flying high
high on your love
love that em not gonna get back
back from you

i remember the unsaid words
words i wanted to say
say to you how much i love
love you with all my heart

do you recollect the time
time spent in each others arm
arms entwined in each other
lost in each others eyes

saw you today
with someone else
someone else who took my place
my place that i could die for

em gonna live this way
this way high on your love
love that em not gonna get back
back from you

Distance

The shadows betray,
Alleyways are not the place for them.
Fidgeting with that single strand of hair
Twirled across her sombre face
He feels the moist cheeks
His eyes betray none what his heart holds
Its a lost cause he says
She dreams thus wide awake.

What is it about wanting what you cannot get
Praying for the one who knows not of what you crave
Was it the same always, will it remain such
Will they ever know the path.

He watches her, but does not see.

Zaroori toh nahi.

Socha key kahein tumse
Ho kyu bhala tum ghumsum
Chahat kuch aur hai, milna uska koi zaroori nahi
Mohabbat tum kiye jao, woh bhi karey zaroori nahi.

Ashqon ko dekh tumharey
Dil uska bhi dukha hoga, zaroori nahi.
Par ashq tum na bahao uske khayaal mein, zaroori nahi.

Khwabon ko buna tumne, sehem ker, sambhaal ker.
Koi tod na de unko, zaroori nahi.
Per tum armaanon ko apney, seeney mein dabaye rakho, zaroori nahi.

Aaina sach kehta hai, aisa sab kehte hain
tum apni sachayi badlo
Logon ki sachayi ko apni sachayi banao
Aisa bhi toh zaroori nahi.

Woh tumhe yaad karey, zaroori nahi
Tum ussey bhool jao, zaroori nahi.

"Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" and I am a Plutonian

Title in quotes, cuz its not mine (ofcourse you know that).
I will be digress every second sentence.
You can quit reading already.

So if men and women come from different planets, it does prove there are other intelligent species in this unoverse. They made a rocket centuriesx100 yrs ago and shooed them away cuz they were inferior. I am still working on the theory behind the 3rd gender.

(Also there will be typos & grammar shall be non existent).

I am going to act like some neutral, knowitall alien here.

So yeah, the point of this post is supposed to be about how both genders get taken for a ride by the other gender. How noth genders do have examples of folks who will stick to you like super glue, loving you all theor lige. How both.feel the other is a not understanding anything type.

So you got my point?

Lets start with, girls look only for rich guys. Err, I take it on the same level of assholiness like saying women's real place is under the footwear of the guy. No, there is no analogy there. Dont guys look for the hottest, prettiest girl around? But we know its not true for all. I know guys who have taken money from their girls (that bloody ex of my sister has still nor returned my money). Another very pretty girl friends boyfriend (looks like a bull) had not returned hwr money. Another boy friend of mine was very patient with his ex who wasnt sure if dhe wantwd to stay with the now ex or the one she exed before being with this ex.

All I am saying is, we dont really need to generalise things about anything about anyone. It hurts us not so pretty, skinny types, cuz hello you say all the nice girls fall for the bad boys & nice ones we look for are the ones the pretty lady left behind. Erm, did you look back at the girl who smiled at you,maybe not the hottest one in town but who took trouble to make you smile. Yes, she is a nice girl who would be waiting to be wooed..

This is a general observation. You are welcome to agree, disagree, not care or whatever.
My station is here & I am running late.

You did read this, dincha.

Of battered soles and numbness

We are in a minivan returning back to Pune, I am dreading tomorrow (its a Monday & I am tired). We (colleagues, ex team mates, someones room mates, etc) went to a colleagues village in Konkan. The travel comprises of driving through the ghats, I still don't know the names and might never remember. My role in these trips are of the gawking audience, female who is at the tail end of a trek, prone to accidents, nagging everybody about the time, etc etc. Yes, I am like that at times (ie most of the times).
Those who follow me on twitter and actually read what I tweet may or may not remember my sprained ankle, skinned knee, and a disintegrating sandal. Issue with the shoe happened since I did not know I would end up in Pune for more than 3-4 days and I use and kill one pair of shoes at a time.
I asked people to get backup shoes for me since the entire week has been crazy with 14-15hrs at work. For many it might not seem a big deal but for me it is. I prefer to not have a life staying at home rather than not having a life at work. I will sleep or watch movies or talk/tweet, thankyouverymuch.
So about the backup shoes, someone got me flipflops which I broke in 15mins of walking. That was after we had reached the village, it was twilight time and we went to see his village school. Flipflops in hand, covered the mucky track, went there and we walked some more to the edge of the hill. This village is on the hills. We could see the river running below. But it was late and I was supposed to cook biryani and it was getting late. Ended up walking barefoot, through the stony road. Flinching and saving myself from falling.
These people ended up telling each other ghost stories, while 3 of us ladies were too tired to keep up with them.

Today, borrowed grandma's slippers to walk to the river. Half way the sole was lost. By the time we reached the river, broke the thumb grip of the second slipper. Woot. The time spent in the fast flowing river was much fun. We went up to a small dam like structure where the water whipped on our bodies. I spent sitting under it for dont know how long, hesd under the falling water. Couldnt feel my shoulders after some time, ears blocked.
Sush gave me his slippers to walk back which I managed to break. Walked barefoot. Again.


Mahabaleshwar.


Pasarni Ghat





I was asked to tent up here cuz i won't climb up the waterfall


That was the waterfall




That is the river, stoned river


on the way


I liketh this the best.


Whats cooking


On the way to the river.


That is blinding green


The river

Forgotten yet?

Stirring leaves, rustling features
Nature sounded cheerful
"then why does not my heart
wish to smile"
She thought and gazed,
wondering
trying to not think of him.
Memories packed, shut
in the old corners of thoughts.
Left to decay. Turning to ashes.
Lost, to not knowing what passes through her
why do eyes feel the hurt of the sun.
Fogged vision, she touches to find a tear drop
nestled.
"Maybe my fear of losing led to the loss"
"Maybe he does remember me"
"Maybe we had another chance"
Questions gnawing the soul
breaking the dead spirit to pieces.
The smile eclipsed forever
She waits for the end and wonders of the maybe's
trying to not think of him.

Move on?

Memories and colours, dulled and faded
The dust of time blurring faces
Tears dried
the trail not seen anymore
The constant throbbing pain dulled.

The weary soul burdened.
Hurt as it turns a corner,
stumbling into an alley of past moments,
Spent holding hands, tender kisses.

Trudging along, each passing second,
nothing awaits, no one awaits.
A smile of past lingers.

Fooled heart, with hopes of change
Trying to move on, move along.
To make sense of chaos,
dreams and reality merging.
I try to live.

Chahat

Mehsil mein dekha,
Muskuratey, iss bheedh mein kaise
Chehre per jo noor tha
Khuda ne kya khoob taraasha hai tumhe.

Lafzon ne saath chodh hai diya, per mehboob toh tumhe maana hai
Bayaan karun bhala toh mein kaise.
Dil hai bechain, dhadakta iss seeney mein,
Milna toh chahta hai tumse, per kwahishon ka poora hona laazmi toh nahi.

Ishq, aashique, mohabbat na jaana tha
Naa jaanenge iss zindagaani mein
Zarra zarra mera chahta hai tumhe
Ye zaroor jaana hai maine.

Khwaab hi sahi
Maut hi sahi
Aakhri saansein hi sahi
Gar pata ho ke tum palat kar dekhoge
Buss ek baar hi sahi
Ye zindagi adhoori na rahegi.

I want to see the sea

I want to see the sea
But I have been too busy
But really actually too lazy
Still I want to see the sea

Very lousy but yeah I have been wishing to go to the beach or Marine drives since weeks. Its the sound of the waves, the wind in your hair, the smell of the sea that I have been missing. Juhu beach, chowpatty use to be our forthnightly hangout as kids. Eating the bhel, colourful golas, and trying to gather the courage to get in the sea. Now we are all grown up and mother is not obliged to take us out (well except forcing the visits to relatives and such.)

Last night I made up my mind - enough is enough. Tomorrow I will force sisters and we'll go to Charni road. Sit on the promenade whatsitcalled then maybe go shopping too. Yay. I made a plan. Achievement.

Woke up. Not a good nights sleep. Told mom & sisters of the plan and one of the sister agreed. Long story short, 4:30pm we left the house, took the Churchgate fast. Which happens to not halt at Charni Road. So plan change. We go to Churchgate and go to Colaba instead. Now, I have lived alll my life in Bombay but I haven't seen 25% of the city. I haven't really been to Colaba except Navy nagar (not sure its in Colaba). We got down at Churchgate, walked through Fashion street, bought nothing, walked and walked, saw books, I bought two, and we kept walking.

There are too many lanes out there and too many signals. And too many zebra crossing and few people crossing the roads. We kept going in circles. I acted all touristy (sister's words which I put in her mouth). We did ask few cabbies to take us to Colaba but no luck. Did some more shopping. I feel so out of place in that part of town. Maybe I am just too conscious cos I am so clumsy. Dropping things, nervous loud laughter, bla bla.

Decided to go back to churchgate and get back home. He asked what were we doing in the VT side of Churchgate, the opposite side to were we wanted to go. He was nice enough to chat up while he drove so I did not ask him to turn towards Subway where I wanted to get a burger. Let the nice uncle talk. And again ordering food, never let me handle it. Never know where and what to order.

I did see the sea from the train!

Sent via Virar local train's middle second class ladies coach.

Resilience?

I write this sitting in a Mumbai local train, on my way to work. Its been raining the whole night and there were 3 bomb blasts last evening. Right now I am more worried about how is the central line faring. Life as an entity really doesn't stop living. We loose it but it lives. In someone else. In the inanimate objects that are part of our daily lives.
Last evening was scary. I was alone in the whole bunch of people at work. Many just looked up from their workstations when I mentioned about the blasts, called their near & dear ones and went back to work. Total apathy towards strangers? Is it due to the daily crunch of travel, work, deadlines, running around in this big city? City of dreams where dad says you will not go hungry even if you are a ragpicker. Has it made us so jaded and glazed. In our own world of issues and concerns.
I did see many people on twitter extending help, food, shelter for the stranded. Many cursing the system. Many giving their expert analysis about the country's situation, who to blame, what should have been done, etc etc etc. I don't judge anyone on what they talked about or what their opinion was. Its just how we react and comfort ourselves in situations. People kept me company on gtalk, concerned smses, tweets. I took comfort in knowing someone cared about me. I would have wept crazy if I were at home. Office, surrounded by people who kept working (maybe that comforted them) drove me to the edge.
I have lived all my life in Bombay, never lived in any other city in a crisis to know how would they react to things. We have no option other than to move on. I have work to do, meetings to attend, people to yell at.

25yrs and I have lived through a major riot and three bomb blasts. Witness to the riot and 7/11 blast first hand. I never want to get used to this. Bodies strewn on the railway tracks or masked men holding swords in their hands.

"What's wrong with the day?"

That was the reply to the below statement i tweeted (in case you are wondering what "that"is, i am talking about the title of the post.)
"It is 8/7/2011 today. A day to be written down in history along with the fact that it will not occur again in anybody's lifetime."
And everything after that went downhill.
Waking up as usual at 6am, spending another hour or two cursing in general, not wanting to get up. And it was raining quite heavily. Been raining the whole night. Mustering courage and remembering that i had setup a meeting for 11am, i woke up when dad enquired where was i going and i should take a day off cos its been raining alot. That made me to make up my mind firmer about going to work anyhow. Guess who was going to bite their tongue later.

Got ready, mom packed lunch, quick breakfast and at 8:30am i left home. Railway station is 20mins away from home on foot. Since it was raining and i wanted an auto, i didnt get any. Walked and reached their at 9am. 10 mins more due to teying to not walk through puddles, looking for auto, getting tired, etc.
Didn't catch the 9:02 Churchgate fast cos it would need me to hang at the door and i wasnt really looking forwards to get wet in the rain completely yet. Next was the 9:11am slow, all ladies train. Calculations said i'd reach work just in time.
Train crawled as usual. And then went on to run between halts rather than halts between running. Santacruz, it stood still for more than 15mins. I should be in Dadar at 10:15am and not just midway! I had to change to the next central trwinto Ghatkopar. Panic sets in. Finally 10:45am we are there. I brisk walk to the central slow platform and the 10:30am Ambernath comes at 10:50am. Calls and emails made to office to get meeting rescheduled, work assigned. Matunga passes and train halts. And just stays put. For an hour. There are trains ahead of us and behind on the same track. People start getting down and walking to the next station. I go click pics. Alone so i keep tweeting and he occupied with something. It took the train 1hr 15mins to cover distance of about 5mins. The rescheduled call is canceled and what will i do if the train doesnt move scare takes over. Sion passes finally. The tracks were submerged undrr water. Some lady advices against getting down there since its a slow station and it would be better to go to Kurla whetr we could get the fast trains which were still running towards Dadar. Had given up the plan to go to work and jist get back home. Frigging 3+hrs and still counting. Got off at Kurla and the return trip was easier and thankgod not much delay. Got down at my station at 2:15pm. Walked home and reached by 2:50pm. All the hours in between was spend in traon, on platforms, walking. Knocked the door and joined in the laughter addressed to me.

That was wrong with the day.

Intezaar

My first attempt at writing an Urdu poem. Inspired by "Sheeshon ka maseeha" by Faiz Ahmed Faiz, below is sort of a reply to the inspiration.

Daaman hai khoon se ranga hua,
karte hue ekat'ha dil ke tukdon ko
Sheeshey sa woh chaknachoor jo hua,
ek jaam ke pyaale sa.

Kya jaano tum inn tootey tukdon se
kitne rangon se khil jaata hai samaa.
ek chehra tumhara dekhu jo unmein,
hazaaron aks nazar aate hai.

Maseeha koi nahi milega iss raah per,
zindagi khud hi chalti hai.
bikharti hai, sawarti hai,
Girkar phir sambhalti hai.
Humein hai sab ye gawaara,
ke mohsin har kisike naseeb nahi hota.

Intezaar karna tumhaara, meri khwaash hai
kaayam hai meri ye saanse tab tak.
Justajoo koi rahi nahi,
dil ko sameit, samjha hai diya.
Raah per nazrey tikaaye hum bathey rahenge chauraahe per
bin palkey jhapkaaye hue.
Kisi din toh Khuda karam karega,
ya tum lautogey, ya maut ye jaan le jaayegi.

Wandering souls, I wish.

I have been going to Pune for more than a year now, office visits. It all started after there was no place in the Mumbai facilities for the new team that was to be setup and i was asked to help in the transition. After a harrowing 3 months of working 16hours everyday, travelling back to home for weekends only to go back to again on Sunday evening. Tough times. But it helped a lot to get through some difficult times in personal life. Going ostrich does help at times.
And in March 2010 our first team trip happened. Murud-Janjira and Kashid. In a day. Later to be followed for many such insane trips. I love my teammates for being these crazy people who love to hang out not at malls or go out to eat but rather take out their bikes and go to beaches and trekking. That is another thing that while we trek, i make the tail end. Getting old and all that jazz *tehehe*.

2010 saw about 6-7 trips . [Kashid beach, Murud-Janjira fort, Sihagard fort, Konkan sightseeing with Anjarle beach visit,

Tapola lake, Raigad fort which i missed, Lonavla which i missed again, Malshej Ghat the giver of the missing seven key...]

2011 hasn't been so fulfilling yet, just 2 trips and its 6 months into the year (falling sick and asked not to travel being the deterrents. pfft).

Latest trip was 650kms to and fro to Guhagarh beach. And whattay fun it turned out to be. The trip happened after being canceled about 2-3 times due to non-availability of people. Finally it was only 5 out of 8 that made that trip. 3 bikes, 3 guys, us 2 gals balancing the bikes of 2 of the thin guys. Through the rains. Halting at places while it wasn't raining and as we packed to be back on road, it would rain. We started 2 hours behind schedule and returned back 2 hours behind schedule. Normal keeping in mind we are usually half a day behind schedule.
Oh and did you know punctured tyres are not bad omen. Just that thing which helps you to stay true to your nature and run behind time. Just that.

We drove through places that i can't recall, but driving through the ghats is fun. When it is raining, foggy, and the road ahead is not visible. The helmets did help a lot to keep away water from the eyes. Sandy's bike trip to Luru to meet his girlfriend has made him an expert on bike safety.

Dinner consisted of maggi and boiled eggs. Mahi's sis did a good job of scarying us when he reached her closed house. It had rained and there are chances of snakes and scorpions lurking in the house she said. Nothing showed up when the guys looked through the house, jumping when they came to face each other like doing a thorough search. Too tired to do anything other than sleep, we called it a day only to wake up at 3am to find Sandy sleeping at the foot of Mahi and Sush. Oh how we love to
tease them about each other.

Sunday's plan was to go to the beach at 6-6:30am, hang out there for 2-3 hours, come back, get ready and leave for Pune. Only problem, who wakes up that early. We did manage to leave by 8:30. And it rained all the way to the beach too. We saw a dead snake in the middle of the road, about 4 feet long. Whoa! Misal, bhel, sevpuri hogged at the beach. The beach was awesomely beautiful. And no crowd. Maybe 10-15 people on the entire beach. Hopped in the waves, went underwater, drank the salty water, threw sand on each other, ran races, etc. You have to turn into a kid to enjoy the incoming waves. There is no other way to do it.

Back to the house, again behind schedule, packed, misal for lunch. The drive back was half through Karad-Satara ghat and then a national highway. Vroom vroom all the way. Went to Mahi's grandparents place where aajji (grandmother) make yummiest kanda poha.
Tired to the marrow, i tried not to doze off sitting behind.

It was a memorable weekend :)


The biryani we (read: I) cooked at Sush's village home


Anjarley beach. Another secluded beach


Yummiest fresh catch


Guhagarh beach. Serene and turbulent


You have to turn into a kid


Janjira Fort


Famous kanda bhajji and curd at Sinhgard Fort


Trip to Malshej ghat


The Tapola lake. Also called Mini-Kashmir



Kashid, Alibaug


Kashid beach revisited.

The wait

This shadow of you,
teasing the senses from far away
Come closer to give me a glimpse
of what i can never have.
Let me run fingers on its outlines
Wondering if there can be anything more than this
that i could ever get.

You are more than a want for me
A need i crave for, it is you.
Will you not come closer
Overwhelm me with your look.

The hoards surrounding
increasing the chasm in between
Hope's candle flickering
twisting the shadow.
With each blink
You only get farther away.
Leaving me bereft of even a glimpse.

I will await the day of your return.

Kabeela-kabeela

Once there was a corporator or MLA or Municipal head of two regions.
One was more like a village and the other quite developed.
And once an argument broke out in between them.
The village-men said "We have open space. What do you have?"
The city folk said "Oh hello, we have BUILDINGS!"
Then the first one said "We have sea facing bungalows." (They actually lived on a small island kind of place.)
The other folks laughed and said "muahahaha what bungalow! You people, that is just a khaadi (quicksand-ish water body or something)." "We have apartments that look where you can look at the sky. (they forgot this was a lame argument since the first one also could look at the sky. Silly)." "Oh and we also have dish tv antennas, and mobile towers, and BIG BIG skyscraper!"
"The bridge, we built to connect you to our world! LET ME DESTROY IT!" And they flew over their helicopters and dropped bombs. The first groups houses crumbled down *since voice travels slower than light KABOOM*
The first group did try to collect and bring their gola-baarood and old fashioned angrezon ke zamaane ke taup, but they had not oiled the wheels and were too late like the bollywood police.
The second grouped muahahaha-ed some more.

Then we all left the tables before we would be thrown out of McD for all the noise we were generating.

I can has a new phone?

The one i am using is on the verge of death. It will be mended, given elixir of a new life and handed down to youngest sister. But i need a new one to be that generous elder sister.

The one i am talking about, is the one i ever bought with my hard earned money. You do know how hard it is to earn money. And make parents agree that one is old enough to spend that money. Yes, you do know. If you don't oh you have missed so much. I am telling you. You better agree. And it has lived with me through rain and waterfalls. Through falls on the railway station platform and hanging at the trains door. Through crammed purses and pockets.

So about getting a new phone. I am confused. I have used a Nokia since long. But i hear that the OS they use is not as cool as the Droid. Hello, where are the loyalists? I would like to be one cos it is easier. Lets keep it simple, no. Why give me so many options. Or just give me a unanimous decision. How i just had to tell the uncle my requirements and he bought me the bestest one.

Oh well. Until the decision is made, i shall really tape the phone and continue using it. People who actually read what i tweet won't forget the 3 weeks of "MizzingZevenKey" language i used. @siddev18 and @confuseusSay tell they miss it but i guess @mujib & @yearofRat would be thankful. It gave bleedy eyes.
@BasioMeusPuga called it the toothless gansta. \o\
@0omparadar learned the language with me, *muah* babes.
Woe betide me! How many bleedy eyes did @doppelhanger get! Just two. Plus the glasses.
@mezzotinto and i are jointly collaborating with Mr. N and Mr. C to make a #kogul dictionary.

And as my bio says #MisplacedSelfImportance i live with =)

Pain

I stand at that point
where yesterday seems so ancient
where tomorrow is so far
where each smile is so painful
soul strewn with scars.

There is light at the end of the tunnel
they say.
There is hope they say
for all that you want to come true
all that we live with for.

It is never so easy
to be carefree
to be like the bird in the sky.
To keep that smile lightened
to be what you want.

Struggle is a part of life they say
why not it should be, they ask.
Where are they when you need them
understand you without a word spoken.

(PS: Toothache, headache and ulcer on tongue with travel plans with these is not good)

Cricket 2011

Tons of blogs out there who would give you the perfect analysis of the past, what was wrong, how it was the right time to win, etc etc etc. I am just happy to have watched the victorious six that Dhoni struck to mark the win.

The last match i remember watching before this World Cup was the 2003 final. India V/s Australia. Everyone had their fingers crossed and then the first over happened. And that was it. I did not see a match again. Not a single one. Until this year.

Living in a household of 4 females, I think i know how Dad felt when we did not let him watch the matches. Slowly, i learned from him and actually started liking it. Now its only poor Mom who does not watch cricket. Fans are a majority.

Just a little wish, let us retain the cup for another 4 years after these 4 years pass off :)

Coffee high-ness

Who would have thunk, i would be drunk
On none but you, pretty tell me what to do.

You have me curled, you have me blued
you make go flitty and "oh what to do!"

I sit and stare, through the conversations we share,
stare dazed, while i marvel at you.

The incoherent things i say
i put the blame on you.
You are the caffeine running in my blood
the one that makes me giggle and wonder,
wonder "what happened to you?!"

Midnight blabbering

[You]: T!!!!
[ED]: S
[You]: whre are the exclamtions?
[ED]: This is me
[You]: ohhhh
where are the exclamations?
and this is me. thanks for the update.
holaaaaaa
[ED]: i m me
[You]: and i m me
you be you
i be i
correct?
[ED]: of course
unless i am u an u r me
[You]: well for the soul exchange, we need to do some kind of magic no.
and u fancy my worms. DO YOU!
[ED]: hmm may be i ssould download 'charmed' 1st few seasons
[You]: what is that
i think i was trying to learn to torrent that
and i failed
how so unsurprising eet ees
[ED]: i love torrent.. its te closest i hav ever been to aladin's lamp
[You]: what all it gives you
[ED]: ever freakin thing
[You]: i need lectures to attend to learn it
[ED]: i downloaded the original battle star galctica sirca 1979. entire seson I also downloaded their entire seson of automan

1983 an now i am downloading the entire contacts of sephic erotica about 86 gigbytes contants
[You]: and you say you net doesnt work :/:/
[ED]: it takes a few weeks minimum an sometimes a few months
[You]: :/:/
your lappy would be so tired of you
you have been abusing it
khush ho jao it doesnt go to some court
[ED]: well... the "A" key is long since gone, i press the rubber directky
[You]:hahahahhaha..eaten it for breakfast while torrenting something?
[ED]: naa i sleep at breakfst time
[You]: dinner has to be then
jo what have you been up to?
[ED]: just got bac from the wedding. bohra weddings r nice. we went at 9:15
[You]: i know abt the food
[ED]: n finished 9:45
[You]: dinner? food? when
[ED]: fooooooooooooooodddddd
[You]: 30 mins food time? you go only for the food...tsk tsk
[ED]: an it was a family wedding at that
[You]: gaah. so unsocial. be more courteous. and court some ladeej
WHY ARE YOU ON PAKGUNS AGAIN
[ED]: i am overloaded as it is. no actualy am watchin Ghutan. hav u seen it?
[You]: no. overloaded with what..no was for ghutan
[ED]: its all bout this woman who is buried alive by her hubby an his freind.. an well she is unterdstandably pisssed
n is not letting somethng lke death stand in hte wy of her revenge
[You]: so she dug herself out?
[ED]: she bacame a bdroo...an now the freindly obligtory sectrary comes into the pic
[You]: whose secy is she
[ED]: the killer's..an of course the female servent who witnesed the murder\..its as cliched as it gets
[You]: and you should prolly like it
[ED]: i hav alredy seen it..years back..loved the drop scence in which she gets out of her grave n dreggs him there as well
"c how much i love u. I wil share etenity with U"
[You]: awww...waah. tears in eyes
[ED]: he is diggeng her grave now
weeeeeeeeee this is fun
u hav to see it
[You]: no. i haz a headache. thoda. the worms no likey me work i think...lamers
[ED]: welll. they want t i slack off..u to slack off
[You]: i am doing that..i shoudnt be doing that..a new project i need to handle..n it shud be like perfect only
[ED]: they wil ggo forth n multiply. thats what the bible says
[You]: WHY O.oO.o
[ED]: i dunno i did'nt write it u c
[You]: but you are the all knowin TAhir right
[ED]: yah...
(lots of screaming going on)
[You]: :/:/
you go enjoy your movie
i go make them worms sleep
work 2moro
sniff
no sympathies
cries
[ED]: muah muah
(more screams n sniffled i love us in the back ground)
[You]: jejus
[ED]: an of corse hte obligtory flying beds with pretty girl in em
[You]: flying beds O.oO.o
[ED]: of course. an ancient grave yards thrown in for good measure. clichessssssssssssssss galore
[You]: cliche...hahaha..same pinch
i was thinkin ze zame
[ED]: amazing movie. u too. amazng tht is :D:D
[You]: lmao. dont put me in the same cliche art gallery :P:P
[ED]: amazing movie. mazing u :P:P
of course there has to be an obligatory priest s well. an a tantrik to aid him for good measure
[You]: is that a bollywood movie. D/E/F grade?
[ED]: bollywood yes
grde i dunno
it depnds on how much u likes
[You]: you would grade it A on cliche content and F for acting?
[ED]: she speaks with a masculine voice
an is very veyr
possessive
does'nt like other women touching her hubby
:P:P
an oc fourse the obligatory uncle who is always crying that his niece was murdererd
:P:P
u HAVE to c it
torrent it naa
[You]: i dont know how to O.oO.o
[ED]: download utorrent
its teeny its tiny. but its not lil loony
[You]: ya..dan told me. i haz it downloaded
but the tragedy is my lame net
lamest of the lame
[ED]: well then go to btjunkie.com
type what ever u want. click download . let your browser do its job an click yes
bingo. u r good to go
:)\
:):)
[You]: teach me again when we meet agian. weekend ensure u are around
i needs to go zleep. yawn
[ED]: gnite. sleep tite... dont let the be bugs bite
[You]: headaches now scare me and add more to it
which bug got the gut to bit me!
[ED]: u take care of courself
honey
lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
lolssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
not gut .. brains
if i were into prayers
i would pray for u
:):)
[You]: :):)
thinking is enough already
you also take care
dont see so much A-F movies
you havnt yet taught me a H of History *sniff
[ED]: skype
these days i m doin shivajee
[You]: yea..skype you take lecture. my new headphone are wow :P:P
chatrapati shivaji maharaj
[ED]: yeah
hte same
spent almost one whol night with him
inersting chap
[You]: lol
yea
[ED]: quite a feminist appentely
i likes
[You]: that they dint teach us in school
yea you would.
[ED]: ws responsible for the bigneng of the end of hte mughal empire
[You]: yup.
[ED]: as a paki of course i m not supposed to know at all
[You]: that perspective of mughal from maratha view is quite a thing
hhe
you write a thesis :D:D
well i am not going to let u go without u telling me some history
i'll better be gone now
take care
hugs
[ED]: byeeeeeeeeeee

Tattle wattle

Basic background, I have been detected to suffer from Neurocysticercosis ie some worms went and shit in my head. And gave me auditory hallucinations. Home since 2 weeks and if nothing else, boredom is sending me to the edge. This is a midnight chatter with my best buddy. We yap. A lot. Usually nonsense. Its fun.

[ED]
ah your brain caccooned em to death..
deadly embrace a all that
ey
?

[Me]
yes. now only if we cud you know shake them n pull off from the ears
my earwax cud also get cleaned

[ED]
ah.. hteir badroos are making life miserable for u

[Me]
very.
badroos?

[ED]
badroo
evil ghoast

[Me]
ohhh...haan. them evil souls :(:(

[ED]
pre-sisely
good pn
pun

[Me]
so should i be sure that its the meds thats is making me soppy?

[ED]
yeh
it has to be that
i mean hte evil worms are dead

[Me]
and haunting my hollow skully

[ED]
owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[Me]
doggy pics again?

[ED]
no ghoasts in skulls wiht pretensions of singling talents

[Me]
i was just making sure
these sympathies are for me alone
lot sympathies given?

[ED]
who?
has been given u symphaties

[Me]
no one
NO ONE

[ED]
but that is just plain wrong!

[Me]
i have been wronged. always.

[ED]
at least u dont suffer from bad hand-eye co-ordination
i accidently found myself on u tube
:(:(

[Me]
your vid up there?
i wear glasses for some reason. i m 3/4th blind.

[ED]
yeah
just shared it on fb

[Me]
no title
its going on a sorry page on hat
that*

[ED]
uff.. what is wrong
i cant seem to share anything
i am soo wronged
even by FB

[Me]
gimme the link here
gimme the link here. chat doesnt confuse u, yet :P:P

[ED]
i wil try again
fresh video

[Me]
what are u doing in those vids?

[ED]
03:11
there.. i did it again
showing the world how bad my hnd eye co-ordination is

[Me]
ohh you playing with them guns!

[ED]
not playiing woman!
shooting
tats the elite police commando training acadamy
an the chap holding me liternally in his arms while i shoot is a commando instructor
notice. that h refuses to let me go while i shoot
an that i m the last person to cease fire
:(:(

[Me]
he had man crush on you?

[ED]
naaah.. he is scared of me wiht a gun in my hand
no one htere requires a keeper. accept for me

[Me]
that sounds so wrong :P:P

[ED]
:(:(
bawwwl

[Me]
aww come on now. u r a sweetheart. he just din want you hurt

[ED]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV0FW4sOKcU&NR=1

[Me]
what is this?
huhn

[ED]
it is nice
one thing wrong with it though

[Me]
you with guns?

[ED]
nopes
I am not there at at all

[Me]
its horizontal n not vertical

[ED]
:(:(

[Me]
ah. then i dont see it.

[ED]
but the song is good

[Me]
song.

[ED]
though how can pak guns have a song without me is beyond my comprehension

[Me]
what song.

[ED]
the one i just showed u

[Me]
why a song
n on that its an Indian song!
Pakgun playing Indian song
how unpatriotic!

[ED]
worse.. I am not there..
can u imagine the monstrosity of the injustice

[Me]
you saved ur face
with those heavy uncles
you wudnt be seen

[ED]
what i ask u. what is the point of been member extraordinair. an having 3376 posys
posts
the guy in the looong black leater overcoat
is the man who created pak guns

[Me]
i am not going thru the horror
the vid will be closed

[ED]
an that huuuuuuuge hairy mullah took me out shooting when e found out i was in lahore and depressed
a nice mullah.. gotta b an oxymoron
(though he does send me perverted jokes at sporodic intervels)

[Me]
see. mullahs have a thing for you

[ED]
yeah in hte range wali video.. he is also standing next to me when i shoot

[Me]
he is in love with you!

[ED]
he has his kids with him
an his BMO wife as well

[Me]
BMO?

[ED]
black moving object

[Me]
ohhhh
n he is in white always?

[ED]
always an alwasy an always
quite a black an white couple u know

[Me]
do u love him back?

[ED]
SHUDDER

[Me]
:P:P :P:P
he is a good mullah as u said

[ED]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xXLgSzeXEY&NR=1
I m wpndering somewhere in the back ground

[Me]
that last song is buzzing in my head
dont give my worms more records to play

[ED]
break the records
break em
beter still break the player as well

[Me]
that wud be my skull :/:/
u want to break me head?

ED is offline.

iRant

i come here only to rant. when i dont have anyone to bugger. its that time. or maybe i am PMSing. Could be the reason. Why the f*ck i need to rely on people, to listen to me or be my support system. Its so lame. I know it but i do the same. Humans don't learn and all that jazz.
Been home since a week. I am missing work. Missing it a lot. I am not used to being home for so long. Being on a vacation is different but staying home due to an illness, it sucks balls. Turns out i have Neurocysticercosis. No big deal but i have to stay at home for another week. I want to bang my head against some wall. Meds for 2 years! Kill me already someone!
I hope i wont be cursing myself for being so lousy once i return back to work.
Baah.